In the Name of Research
by River Laren
Summary: On her mission to prove Sasuke does nerdy things, Sakura breaks into his room. She knew it would be dangerous, but she didn't think it would be this bad. And since when did Naruto become Dr. Phil? Rewritten. Oneshot. CRACK.


**Important note: This is a rewrite. It contains no chat or script text in it. For those of you who enjoyed the story before, I'm sorry. But it wasn't me who removed the original, so please don't be angry with me. I don't own Naruto or Dr. Phil. **

Haruno Sakura was on a mission. She was going to prove once and for all that Uchiha Sasuke participated in nerdy things just like every other human being alive. She wasn't sure _what_ yet, but she was going to find something incriminating. She had too. Her high school career depended on it. Well, okay, just her research paper, but still.

Because it was a little weird to tell your friend's mom that you are searching their son's room for their deepest darkest secrets, she climbed in his window.

Sasuke's room was amazingly neat. Seriously, guys were supposed to have sweaty socks scattered on the floor, papers and text books everywhere, and half-eaten sandwiches under their pillow. That wasn't even counting the closet. But the Uchiha's room looked like it had been cut out of a magazine. And he didn't even have maids like some people thought he did.

Sakura considered using this as proof that everyone (yes, including Uchihas) did nerdy things. But neatness was also part of Sasuke's persona, and she was looking for something alarmingly weird.

Because he would 'sense' it if she went through his stuff, she walked over to his computer and turned it on. That was where people kept their "incriminating" data anyway, wasn't it? Almost biting her nails, something she only did when she was being melodramatic, Sakura waited for it to come on. Thankfully, Sasuke's computer wasn't the dinosaur hers was, but still she seemed to wait for hours. _I really shouldn't be this nervous, or guilty, _she thought reproachfully.

Finally the bright blue screen appeared and "Welcomed" her. Bouncing with anticipation, she stretched her fingers, ready to unearth its secrets.

…When the stupid thing asked for a password.

Sakura knew Sasuke well enough to know he liked tomatoes and hated sweets, and granted that was more than most people knew, she didn't know him well enough to figure out his password.

It would be insanely simple, she was sure, but it would also be the last thing anybody but Sasuke was likely to think of.

And she didn't want the stupid thing to lock up so that he would _know_ she had been messing with it.

Suddenly footsteps echoed on the hardwood outside. Sakura panicked, it was better to be safe than sorry, and clicked the 'turn off' button on the computer and switched off the monitor.

She glanced around the room hastily trying to find a place to hide (if it had been Naruto's room she could have hid under the piles of clothes in the floor, if she'd want to hang with the bugs under there) but with Sasuke, there were no such advantages. As a last resort, she dove into the closet. She cursed herself for the noise the computer was making as it shut down, and upon further reflection this would probably be the first place Sasuke would go. She should have hid under the bed; then she wouldn't be crushing his shoes and clothes.

The door opened with a soft click, but the room was still oddly silent. _He knows!_ Her mind screamed. She bit her knuckle to keep from squeaking.

Sasuke spoke. "The air's shifted." _What? Seriously! How on earth does he know that? _

"Oh come _on_, Teme!" Naruto whined. "It's the window, DUH!"

She'd left the window open? She bit her lip as pain came from her knuckle, which was bleeding. She inwardly sighed.

"I didn't leave the window open," Sasuke drawled.

"It's just your mom! YUSH!" Naruto was obviously exasperated. From the proceeding sound, Sakura decided the idiot had flopped down on the bed.

_You shouldn't call him an idiot; he's distracting Sasuke and saving your tail!_

Sasuke grunted and Sakura heard what she assumed was his book bag hit the ground. Naruto went on whining. "So you're just going to ignore me and read those stupid stories online?"

"I'm just checking my email." She could tell the comment had bothered Sasuke, but she couldn't think of _why_. It was just Naruto babbling.

Then it hit her. This was what she had been looking for! Sasuke was reading stories on the internet, on _Fanfiction_. And he'd made fun of her about it the one time she had casually mentioned it to him! That jerk! Well she was going to bust him on it in front of the whole school!

"Oh really, I've read your _'e-mails'_. And I know you like reading them because you think Sakura wrote them." Sakura could just imagine the blonde rolling his eyes.

Then his words registered in her mind. Sasuke was reading fanfiction to try to read _her_ stories. It was so sweet! Except…this was Sasuke, and he didn't do _sweet_ things. Something was definitely up.

"Or was it that you're fantasizing about you and Sakura _together_?" Naruto mocked.

Sakura's jaw dropped inside the 'safety' of Sasuke's closet. Not Sasuke… That was just…_absurd_. _Completely_ absurd. He would take action. It wasn't like any girl would turn him down for a date. Not even Sakura.

"Stop imagining things, _Dobe._" Sasuke's voice held a firm warning.

"I already know that you've had a crush on her since fifth grade."

Sakura's world stopped spinning. Then it started again, going ten times faster to make up for the time it had lost. _Fifth grade? _FIFTH GRADE! She remembered with horrid clarity the 'incident' when they were twelve. And the _nerve_ he had!

"You two would make a perfect couple considering she made me change my username to **'Bunniesareourfriends' **just because I told her she seemed to be gaining weight. You know she's too thin anyway, so I thought that was a good thing. She's kinda…well, a little mean sometimes, but she still is a cool friend. And you…well you're…uh-" Naruto stopped mid-sentence when he _finally_ noticed Sasuke's broken closet door and the pinkette standing in the wreckage. "Sakura-chan! You came out of the closet!"

* * *

Sakura looked up at the narrator barely restraining herself from killing the idiot. _" Help!" __  
_She practically growled it.

The narrator sighed. "Naruto. _Think! _Use your head before you rewrite the script or add-lib. Because People could have took that seriously wrong."

"I didn't mean it like that, eww!"

The narrator sighed again. "Fine, we'll redo that part. But this time, think about what you are saying! Yesh!"

* * *

"Uh, Sakura-chan! What are you doing here? I- uh, really think you're a great friend! And, uh-"

Naruto trailed off as Sakura marched up to Sasuke and jerked him up from the computer chair. "_Fifth grade!_ How dare you!" She growled. It was really frustrating to glare _up_ at the Uchiha. Perhaps she should have left him in the chair. Well, it was too late now. She'd just have to deal with it.

"How dare you humiliate me, crush my soul, and stand there lying to me!" She imagined her eyes were on fire, and it was quite a nice image. _Huh, I should lose my temper more often._ She jerked on the tie of his school uniform, causing him to bend down to her level. "I ashamed to call you my friend," her voice was deadly low.

How should she exit? Sure, like every female on the planet, she had seen enough dramatic exits in movies to last a lifetime. But none of them seemed appropriate for this _occasion_. She finally settled on just taking the silly tie with her and flaunting it around school the next day. Yeah, that would work great. She could hang it on her locker or something.

Suddenly soft lips were in the way and she jerked back.

"You- _you just tried to kiss me!_" she shrieked.

The jerk just stood there smirking.

Sakura's eyes narrowed. "You will pay for this!" She promised. "You will rue the day you broke my heart and _laughed _about it!" She jerked the stupid tie off and stormed to the door.

"I never laughed about it, _Sakura_." She could tell by his tone he was completely sincere. She wondered when she had begun to know him so well.

She spun on her heels. "Then why!" Tears were starting to seep into her eyes. _Or great, that's _just _what I need. _She blinked them back. She wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

"Because it was stupid, that's why."

Naruto jumped in between them before Sakura attacked the Uchiha. "Now guys, you need to calm down. Okay? You're going to regret this in five minutes and you know it."

He had a point. Sakura clamped her mouth shut, but her breathing was still ragged.

"Now. Sakura-chan, you're upset because Teme didn't tell you he likes you. The truth is he's afraid that your guys' relationship would get messed up and he didn't want to try anything until he was sure he could make it work so you would two get married and live happily-ever-after," he rushed out in one long breath and ducked, expecting someone to hit him. When no one did, he stood straight again, trying to salvage his dignity.

Bright blue eyes regarded Sakura carefully. But somehow, she found it soothing. Naruto then turned to Sasuke.

"Teme, you are upset because Sakura-chan burst out of your closet and started yelling at you. But she did so because you really hurt her before. She really cares about you and was upset that you hid that from her. You need to be more open and compassionate with her," the blue beams shot back toward Sakura, "And Sakura, you need to cut Sasuke some slack and forgive him for past hurts." There was a slight pause. Apparently Naruto was trying to be dramatic or something. "Now shake."

They both glared at the blonde.

"Fine we'll do this the hard way," he proclaimed. (Really, since when did _Naruto_ become Dr. Phil?) Then he shoved them both toward each other from behind.

At the emergency room, Sakura exchanged a glance with Sasuke. "This is your entire fault you know."

He raised perfect eyebrow. "How so? You were the one hiding in my closet."

"I was researching a paper, and if you would be more open, I wouldn't have had to be there." She finished proudly.

"What were you researching?" he asked dryly.

"I wanted to prove that everyone does something nerdy. I concluded that if you do, then everyone does. So I broke into your room." She shrugged.

"You just admitted to committing a felony," Sasuke pointed out.

"But it was worth it. I discovered you read fanfiction and Naruto watches Dr. Phil." She concluded. Sakura hesitated in voicing the next of her thoughts, but in the end curiosity won out. "I just have one question: why did you kiss me?"

There was a very long pause; so long that she knew he wasn't going to answer. But then: "…..Because it always solved everyone's problems in the stories."

Sakura laughed. "You should know, that was only because the hero _finally_ admits his undying love for the girl. Duh!"

She was still clueless when Sasuke leaned over and kissed her again.


End file.
